Lord Boss
by navyseal33
Summary: Book one of the Popcornata. This is a parody of Lord Loss, book one of the Demonata. Note: this is not poetry, it just starts with a poem. Rated T for blood and gore, which occurs later and language . WARNING: SERIOUSLY STUPID
1. Prologue

**LORD BOSS**

_Lord Boss sows all the popcorn of the world_

_Lord Boss seeds the popcorn trees_

_In the centre of the cinema, lowly Lord Boss munches his bread_

_He suddenly sees his dreams, caramelised_

_His eyes widening, he drops all his pies_

_Reaching out for the popcorn tin_

_He swallows the popcorn, claiming his win_

_In the centre of the cinema, vile Lord Boss reaches out again_

_Over at the front, the movie ends_

_Malicious Lord Boss will never again_

_Taste such delicious food_

_So he's in a darn vicious mood_

_And from that day on he swore_

_That humans will be no more_

_In the centre of the cinema, lush Lord Boss is all that's left_


	2. Chapter 1

**BOOK ONE OF THE POPCORNATA**

When Grubbs Grady first encounters Lord Boss and his popcorn-obsessed minions, he learns three things:

1. The world is vicious

2. Magic is possible

3. Popcorn is real (wait, what?)

He thinks that he will never again witness such a terrible night of butter and caramel... He is wrong.

WARNING: SERIOUSLY STUPID

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 1: Squirrels

Double history on a Wednesday afternoon- total nightmare! It was _supposed _to be triple history, but someone just had to go and make it _double _history. I'd like to meet the guy who came up with that idea, slap him across the face and tell him _exactly _what I think of him. And what I think of him ain't a good thing. A few minutes ago I would've said I couldn't imagine anything worse, but then I thought of no history at all, so I changed my mind. Plus there was a knock at the door, and it opens, and I spot my mum outside. I realise- life can get a whole lot worse than no history classes. Because when a parent turns up at school, unexpected, it means one of two (or three!) things. Either somebody close to you has been seriously injured or died, or you're in big trouble. The third is because maybe they felt like it. Or maybe they got lost and found themselves in their child's school. Wait- that makes four things. Whatever, I've never been good at Maths.

Mum's face is white with rage. She's here to punish, not comfort. I sigh deeply, roll my eyes and bury my face in my hands and mutter, "Bring on the carcasses!" (Sorry, but I prefer dead animals rather than dead humans)

0

We're in the head's office. Me, Mum and Mr Donnellan. Mum's ranting and raving about cigarettes. I've been smoking behind the bike shed. Well, actually I was smoking elsewhere, but I'm in no mood to correct Mum. She wants to know if the head's aware of this, if he actually encourages it. Mr Donnellan is sitting there, helping himself to a tin of popcorn. He isn't paying attention. I think that's because he's listening to Death Core music. I've always wondered how the hell he got his job. I thought teachers were supposed to, y'know, be _against _Death Core. I don't even think Mr Donnellan knows we're here. Mum doesn't realise this- she's too wrapped up in her rant. I doubt she'll notice if I sneak out. Mum asks me, "Grubitsch" –my real, hideously disgusting name- "Why do you smoke?"

I roll my eyes.

"Don't you?" I reply, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. To me it is. Mum stares at me, not believing what I just said. Well, she's gonna have to stick with it.

"How do you know?" she asks suspiciously.

0

Her rant at school's nothing compared to the one at home. Screaming so loud, the windows have shattered. Breaking windows have always been Mum's talent. Anyway, Mum's saying that she's gonna send me off to military school, how does _that _sound? I say that it doesn't sound so bad. She never explained what military school was _like. _Mum's sick and tired of me. She says that if I don't start seeing sense now, I'll never survive. I'll get cancer, any other harmful disease from smoking. She says it's better to do pirouettes than cigarettes. So I say that I'm a boy, and boys don't do pirouettes. But mum insists that there are actually quite a lot of male ballet dancers. I tell her that I ain't gonna be no ballet dancer. Mum's scowling at me, and she suddenly screams, "Just wait till your father gets home!"

0

Dad's not as freaked out as Mum, but he's not happy. He says that I should be playing more video-games (I'll explain later) instead of smoking behind the bicycle shed. That's when I declare that I was not in fact smoking behind the bicycle shed; I was smoking behind the car park. Mum and Dad suddenly cool off.

"Oh, that's OK then," they say.

"By the way, I can't believe you think Urban Terror is better than World of Warcraft. I'm ashamed of you, Grubbs," Dad suddenly says.

"It is!" I shout defiantly.

"Don't raise your voice to me! Who the hell do ya think ya are? You think that Urban Terror beats _World of Warcraft?_ We don't need this, certainly not at a time when-"

"ENOUGH!" Dad shouts and we both jump. Dad never shouts. He usually gets really quiet when he's angry. Now his face is bright red and livid with anger. I don't know how that really works, but it just does. So I say, "Fine, I think that World of Warcraft is the best,"

We all smile at each other. Then Gret, my older sister, barges in. She's smiling too- but it's an evil, superior smile. A smirk. Yes, that's the word. Almost forgot it then.

"Have we sorted out our little problems yet?" she asks.

"Have _you? _If you ask me, you should sort out your prob-" suddenly I stop- Gret told Mum that I like Urban Terror better! Oh, I'll show Gret not to mess with me... MWA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

0

I love forests. You can always find all sorts of disgusting stuff there: leaves, pieces of bark, feathers. Well, in my opinion they're disgusting. I climb over a log and step on some twigs. They snap under my feet. I don't know what I'm gonna use, or in what fashion, so I wait for an inspiration to strike. Then I hear some rustling of leaves. I look up and see a small squirrel scuttling around on a tree branch. _Perfect!_

0

I'm eating my lunch at the kitchen table. The radio's turned up, because I like it that way. I'm waiting for Gret to come downstairs. What's taking her so long? I have the squirrel, sleeping, on her seat. And when Gret comes down and sits in her seat... _splat! _The squirrel blows up and smears Gret with its guts and blood. It's a genius plan. I'm trying to laugh at the idea. I can see the stairs from where I'm sitting. I hear some pleasant humming and Gret comes downstairs. She pulls out her chair and is about to sit when suddenly...

"Aww! What a cute squirrel!"

Darn! She saw it before she could sit on it! I jump out of my seat and lunge for the squirrel.

"You're not doing it right! Gimme that!" I snap, trying to swipe the squirrel out of my sister's hands. Gret holds the now-squirming squirrel high above her head, out of my reach. Dad and Mum, who were playing video-games abandoned their game and got up to tear me away from Gret and the squirrel. I try hitting Gret, to make her drop the squirrel, but Dad drags me away.

"Don't hit your sister! Hit yourself instead!" Dad cries. I give him a look and he shrugs. While he's distracted I lunge for Gret again, trying to pry her fingers open so I can get hold of the squirrel. The squirrel squeaks and nibbles my hand. I cry out and bring my hand back. Gret sticks her tongue out at and suddenly I'm determined to get the squirrel again.

"Give it to me! It's my story; I can do what I like!" I whine.

"No you can't, Grubbs. You're grounded," Mum declares and this time Dad doesn't argue.

"Why?" I pout.

"Because it said so in the original Lord Loss book," Mum explains.

"Well, darn the original Lord Loss book then," I say.

"You're grounded for a month, by the way," Dad chimed in. I scowl at him, Mum and Gret and say, "Fine. Be that way,"

0

Mum and Dad only let me play video-games. See, my family has this thing for video-games. I've been raised to _play _video-games. While other toddlers were being taught how to do jigsaws, Gret and I were busy learning how to play video-games. It's like a tradition. I don't know why- I thought that all adults were against TV and video-games- but not mine. Playing video-games is like the only thing I can do. I'm confined to my room for a whole darn month. I'm not allowed to do anything except for do homework and play video-games. I'm only allowed to go downstairs to have meals and bathroom visits, but otherwise I'm locked up in my bedroom like prisoner. I finish my homework real dang quick. So I spend most of the time playing video-games. I'm actually really dang good at video-games. I can beat anyone my age in any video-game. Gret, Mum and Dad are a whole lot better than me, though. I wonder _why the hell _Mum and Dad love video-games so much.

0

"Regale me with your thoughts on frogs," Dad says. He's ended my punishment early, and we're in the TV room watching TV. We played a couple of Rockband games before, but now we're watching TV. I glance at him dubiously. _Frogs?_

"Slimy," I reply.

"Don't you think they're just amazing creatures? They can live underwater _and _above water! Amphibians!" Dad says. I stare at him, starting to get worried. Is he on _drugs _or something?

"Say what?" I ask.

"I was just asking if you wanted to tag along with Gret, your mum and I to a frog circus. I could buy an extra ticket for you if you wanted," Dad explained. Phew. He _hadn't _gone mad. Or maybe he has. I've never heard of a frog circus.

"No way," I snort. Dad shrugs.

"We're gonna have to stay overnight in a hotel. You're staying with Aunt Kate, OK?" he tells me. I groan.

"Not Kate,"

Kate's only a few years older than Mum, but she is still a weird goth punk. "Couldn't I kill myself instead?" I quip.

"Sure, why don't- I mean, no way!" Dad stutters. "I'll arrange it with Kate,"

He gets up and stumbles into the next room to make the call. I try to eavesdrop on their conversation. Rude, but whoever said I was polite? Dad just tells Kate I'll be staying over at her place because of the frog circus (whoever heard of a frog circus?). After he hangs up, I hear Gret speaking.

"He didn't wanna come?" she asks. "It's all set?"

"Yep, whether you like it or not,"

"I'm scared,"

"Too bad,"

0

Mum drops me off at Kate's. They have a small talk, but Mum cuts it off "because she'll be late for the frog circus". Frog circus. Whoever heard of a frog circus? Mum drives away, and I'm left with Kate the goth. Kate just tells me to do whatever the hell I want. Then she says that she needs to apply another layer of black eye-liner, and then she's gone into the next room. I make my mind up, fast. I'm gonna find Mum, Dad and Gret. I don't want to, if they die I'd let them, but it's the power of the darn Lord Loss original. I curse Lord Loss (the book) under my breath. So I sneak outside, while that goth freak is busy applying eye-liner. I run along to my house, and this random skater dude comes out of nowhere.

"Hey, dude, what are you rushing for?" he laughs. He's got long white blond hair and cold blue eyes.

"I feel like it. Get outta my way, skater dude," I snap. I try to push him out of my way, but he grabs a baseball bat and threatens to hit me.

"Wait a minute. Where did you get the baseball bat?" I ask. The skater dude shrugs.

"Well, this is a parody, right?" he says.

"Good point," I admit. Then I look him in the eye and say, "But that means I get to do this!"

And I grab a gun and shoot the skater dude. It's a head shot but somehow he stays alive (the power of parodies). He grins at me wickedly.

"Trying to kill me, huh? Well, I have The Floor on my side!" he cries and the ground shakes. I fall and land on the ground on my knees and hands. I climb back onto my quivering feet.

"Oh, yeah?" I counter. "I have The Wall!"

A jolt of energy surges out of a house's door and hits the skater square on the forehead. He groans and faints, slumping on the floor unconsciously. But the fact that this is a parody gets the best of me and the skater raises an index finger and says, his voice slurred and incoherent, "You mean The Door,"

And then he's finally properly unconscious. I clasp my hands together and resume the search of my house.

0

After hours of search, I decide I should just walk into any old house. The power of parodies is on my side- after all, this _is _my story. So I walk into a huge white mansion and, sure enough, I find myself inside my house. It's darn hot. I'm sweating like hell, and I've only been in here for a _minute. _I go to Dad's study. As I walk out, I do a double take. In the corner, there's a huge, fifty-inch screen, plasma TV. Dad's prize TV for video-games. I've played a couple of video-games on it. I take big strides over to in and trace my hands over the screen. There are huge bulges coming out from it- sorta like a gouge inside out. The same thing happened to dad's prize iMac. Confused, I go out and peer into other rooms. All TVs and computers in each room and destroyed. All of them. So I head towards Mum and Dad's rooms. That's the only room I haven't checked. I march right up to it, bust open the door and freeze.

A movie cinema is revealed.

**Sorry, the first chapter's sorta retarded. I got stuck a lot. The next chapters with hopefully be a lot better. Please review! No flames, and if you think that this is stupid, don't say I didn't warn ya!**


	3. Chapter 2

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 2: Popcorn

There's popcorn everywhere: scattered all over the navy blue carpet, stuck to the wall by blood and guts. Where the hell am I? I look around, bewildered and baffled. I spot a body hanging right-side up. They have their feet cut off, and blood is dripping from their ankles. It's Dad. He should still be alive. But then again, this _is _a parody...

I look away from my Dad, and rest my gaze on what's left of Mum. A weird dog thing with a crocodile's head is eating up her guts. It's mixing Mum's insides with popcorn and caramel and butter. Gret is next to her, her body split open. A green baby-thing with a huge head and balls of fire for eyes is pushing her towards me. It has cockroaches scuttling around its head, and two mouths on the palms of its hands.

"You can't. Have you ever read the original Lord Loss?" the croc-dog says. I narrow my eyes at her.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask.

"I can now!" the demon points out. The baby gurgles in agreement.

"That's right, we said it, you heard it, we did it, let's go," it says, even though it doesn't have a tongue.

"I repeat: what the hell are you talking about?" I repeat, getting impatient.

"The author forgot to type in what you said before I said what I said so when I said what I said you didn't understand what I was… saiding?" the croc-dog explains.

"Saiding isn't a word. I think that 'saying' is what you're looking for," I correct. Before the demons can say something back, and man steps out of the shadows.

"Oh, dear," he says. "What have we here?"

He's got pale red skin. It's lumpy and looks as if it was made of dough. His hands are mangled and screwed-up, bones sticking out. It's holding a bowl of popcorn. What is it with popcorn in this world?

The demon has peculiar eyes- blood-red irises, even darker pupils. His eyes remind me of cranberry-raisins. I don't know why, but they just do. Anyway, the demon has a hole in the left side of his chest, with snakes – hissing, snapping and slithering – inhabiting it. He doesn't have any feet. He hovers a few centimetres above the floor and glides towards me.

"Since this is my story, I get to do whatever I want, so your name is Freddie," I announce. The demon – Freddie – frowns.

"What? No- my name is Lord Boss!" Freddie corrects. I shake my head.

"Freddie," I say.

"Lord Boss!" Freddie insists.

"Oh, come on, Freddie suits you so much better!"

"My name's Lord Boss!" the demon wails, tears suddenly streaming down his messed-up face. "All these years... I've been bullied by... bigger demons... and now I'm bullied... by you!" he weeps, pausing in between words to sob. I shrug.

"Fine, then. Lord Boss," I grimace. Lord Boss' frown automatically morphs into a wide, cheerful smile, and his sobbing immediately ceases. "But you're mean,"

Lord Boss' smile widens.

"I feed on your love of popcorn!" he proclaims, reaching out to grab me. Since he was so downright ugly, I ran out of the room screaming. I also realised that I had to finish my history homework. I scream and run out of the room. I hear Lord Boss chuckle darkly, and he says, "Vein, Artery. He is yours,"

The croc-dog- Vein- and the baby- Artery- give howls of delight as they chase after me. But I'm not scared of them. I'm running for my bedroom. Artery jumps and lands in front of me, gurgling and making weird guttural sounds. I knock him out of my way, desperate to get my history homework. I throw myself at my bedroom door, knocking it down in one blow. I spot my schoolbag on my bed and I vault onto it. I swing my bag over my shoulders, and, as Vein charges for me, I whack her out of the air with my arm. I thwack Artery with my bag as he tries to bite my leg, and sprint out of my room. Yes! I got my bag! I hear Artery and Vein hiss with reproval as they struggle to follow me.

As I'm running down the stairs, I feel a tiny hand snag my jeans. I look back and see Artery, cockroaches scampering around his head like mad. Jerking my knee back, I kick Artery off. Vein is at the bottom of the stairs. The power of parodies- again. She was behind be last time I saw her.

Wasting no time, I leap into the air and do a triple somersault. I stick my legs out before I land, and they hit Vein right smack on her face. She yelps and hurtles back across the room. _Skills! _I smirk at the dog and run out the door. Job done!

But something's wrong, and it's not the fact that my house has magically disappeared. It's because… Oh, crap.

I dropped my schoolbag in the house!

The downright filthy demons ate my homework!

ROAR I'M A DINOSAUR

**Sorry for the extremely short chapter. The next chapter won't be any longer, either. And the last line about dinosaurs is just there because I felt that this chapter wasn't stupid enough, OK, so don't ask about that.**


	4. Chapter 3

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 3: Dervish

At school my teachers were very angry with me. I _explained _to them that the demons that killed my family ate my homework, but _no, _the stupid idiots acted all superior and were like, "Demons ain't exist."

"That doesn't even make sense. It should be 'Demons _don't _exist. And you're supposed to be the English teacher," I huff. The teacher – sorry, but I'm not bothered to type his real name – scowls at me.

"You're so, like, like, like, like…."

_A few minutes later_

"Like, like, like, like…."

"Get on with it!"

"Like… retarded. Like, totally," the teacher snaps. "Demons, like, _totally _don't, like, exist. Like, OMG. I, like, can't believe you. Like-"

"I COMMAND YOU TO SHUT UP," I snarl. "And if demons didn't exist, why is this series called 'The Popcornata'? Duh!"

"Oh. Right. I _totally _forgot. You're, like, dismissed. Totally. Yeah."

I jump out of my seat and march out of the room and wonder the English teacher was angry at me. After all, the demons _had _eaten up my _History_ homework.

0

"Antidisestablishmentarianism."

It was a spelling test. I pick up my pencil and try to write down the word:

_Spelling_

_No. 1. With him_

_No. 2. Still, you're wet_

_No. 3._

What did she say again? Then I suddenly remembered.

_No. 3. Auntie Tessa's tablet is mental criticism _

I sat there, satisfied with my work. What I had written didn't really seem to make much sense, but then again the teacher _had _gotten her job by mistake. She was always doing retarded stuff. Oh… wait… that was the Science teacher. Whatever. Suddenly, I felt the urge to do something random. So I jump out of my seat into the air and began playing an air guitar. I play the guitar solo part of Beat it by Michael Jackson.

"Wait a minute. You're playing the air guitar. Why can we hear it?" the teacher interrupts. Instead of answering, I whack her on the head with the air guitar. Her eyelids flutter, and she falls to the ground, unconscious.

And that's how I ended up in the mental hospital.

0

"So you say you play the invisible air guitar. Aren't they supposed to be invisible?" a policeman asks. I scowl at him.

"No."

"If you insist. But you'll have to stay here for about… another five hundred years. Nothing long."

"'Kay," I shrug; acting like it's no biggie. And it ain't. I mean, it's a freaking parody. Why _would _that be a long time? Seriously!

"Oh, and there's a visitor. Says his name is Dervish. Sounds like a stalker guy to me," the policeman informs me.

"Oh, I know Dervish. He's called Jimmy," I nod.

"Right… I'll be… going…now."

The policeman stands up and runs out of the room. Five seconds later a weird guy dressed completely in denim walks in. He sees me and jumps out of his skin. Literally. As he climbs back into his skin, he says, "I know that invisible air guitars are real."

He goes over to me and takes a piece of paper out of his jacket. He turns it over to reveal… nothing.

"Um. There's nothing on it," I say, confused.

"_Exactly. _It's invisible. Duh!" Dervish raps my head with his knuckles. I slap him, and he says, "Slaps are overrated."

"Well, whatever. _My _invisible air guitar is bright blue!" I announce.

"But it's _invisible."_

"It's still blue! You can't deny that!" I cry.

"Never! You will never take away my little Buster! He will stay in Nashville, where he belongs!"

Silence.

"Talk about a conversation ender," I comment scornfully. "Well, we're just wasting time. Let's go over to your house and watch a coupla movies, aye? And maybe we can eat order pizza, too."

I jump out of the bed and grab Dervish's arm and drag him out of the whole mental hospital to his house.

0

In Dervish's study. Talking about demons. Wondering why I didn't type, _I'm in Dervish's study, talking about demons. _Dervish also loves video games. We played a couple of games of Urban Terror. We did a _Free for all _mode. Dervish total killed me. I mean, he _totally _killed me. Sorry, but I forgot to type in the extra 'ly'.

"Lord Boss is a demon master. As a demon master, he's real dang ugly. All of them have to be, otherwise people aren't scared. See, all bad guys have to be ugly. Lord Boss, Voldemort, Visser 3 – yes, I _do _think Andalites are ugly. They look like freaking deformed ponies!" Dervish says.

"Is Lord Boss smart?" I ask. Dervish shakes his head vigorously.

"What, do you think he has _lessons?" _he scoffs.

0

_Back in the Popcornata…_

"Okay, Lord Boss. It's Maths, now," Lord Boss' teacher, Decesso announced. Decesso was a large, bird-like demon with a curved, yellow beak and beady purple eyes. Two arms sprouted out of his stomach. His arms looked much like a chimpanzee's, but had a few scales decorating them. He had blue feathers that changed to a different hue depending on his mood. The lighter his feathers were, the happier he was. The darker they were, the unhappier he was.

Right now his feathers were navy blue.

Lord Boss wasn't a very good student…

"Today we will be learning how to count to four," Decesso said. Lord Boss had given him the power to speak. He hadn't given Vein and Artery the power to speak- except this is a parody, so why the hell _wouldn't _Lord Boss' favourite familiars be able to speak?

"Ooh! Ooh! That's a type of bush, isn't it?" Lord Boss called out enthusiastically. Decesso frowned and shifted uncomfortably.

"Uh… let's focus on three…"

**Author's note: Just so you know, each chapter will have a bit on Decesso and Lord Boss. Next lesson is… a trip to Earth! YAY!**

**Oh, and by the way, 'With him' is supposed to be 'Rhythm' and 'Still, you're wet' is supposed to be Silhouette' **


	5. Chapter 4

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 4

The Grand Tour that is completely irrelevant to this chapter

"Now, remember, Grubitsch-" Dervish begins, but I cut him off.

"Grubbs," I correct.

"Fine, then, Grubbs, whatever. Remember, _never _go into the cellar, or bad things with happen," Dervish warns. I snort at him.

"I'm not afraid _*I'm not afraid* _To take a stand _*To take a stand* _Of everybody _*Of everybody* _Come take my hand _*Come take my hand*" _I sing.

"Oh. That's OK then. You can go into the cellar," Dervish changes his mind.

0

I'm adventuring outside, jumping on nearby cows and acting like a rodeo guy. The cow I'm on moos and try to thrust me off, but I'm too pro for it. Hell, I take gymnastics, tap-dancing _and _hip-hop.

"Come on, Billy!" I cry and the cow gives a moo of impatience. Suddenly, the cow disappears and a fat black-haired dude appears outta nowhere and gawps at me. I hang in the air for a few seconds and then crash to the ground.

"Oof!" I emphasize.

"How the hell do you know my name?" he asks.

"Oof?" I ask, confused.

"No, Bill-E," the fat guy corrects.

"What? My name's not Bill-E!" I say.

"No, _my _name's Bill-E. _Your _name is Grubbs Grady, ain't it?"

"How the hell do you know my name? Ha! So Dervish was right about the creepy kid that hangs around his house!" I shout triumphantly.

"Huh?" Bill-E asks, bemused.

"What do ya mean, 'huh'?" I counter.

"I mean huh," Bill-E explains.

"Oh."

"Yeah. There ain't no birds in Bangladesh!"

"What about Sammie?"

"I killed Sammie yesterday!"

"Sammie! Why... you... you... SAMMIE!" I sob, burying my face in my hands. I look up, my vision blurred. Probably because of the tears. How dare Bill-E kill Sammie? I mean... that's SUCH a miscarriage of justice. A great uphold of unjust! A prejudice to every single bird in Bangladesh! Wait... there ain't no birds in Bangladesh. But that's irrelevant, and has nothing to do with my poor parrot Sammie. I run back into the L-shaped mansion, weeping. I sit at the kitchen table, wiping my face with a tower. I mean a towel. Sorry. My bad.

When I finished crying to myself, I walk upstairs to Dervish's study. Dervish is sitting in the swivelling chair thingy, playing Minecraft.

"Gaah! Stupid pig! Curse you! Come on, wolves, attack, my mighty minions!" he cries, eyes glued to the screen. He isn't aware of my entrance, and that makes me mad. I march up to him and slap him across the face.

"Slaps are overrated," he mumbles. He looks up and glowers at me. "Whadya want, eh?"

I grab his arm and haul him out of his seat and drag him over to the window. We peer outside. Bill-E is still there, and I point at him.

"Derv, do-"

"I am _not _diesel oil used as a fuel for road vehicles, OK?"

"Fine, then, Dervish, whatever. Anyway, do you know who he is?" I ask. Dervish looks at Bill-E.

"Oh, he's the weird kid who hangs around and asks for spells," he replies. "He even knows my last name."

Bill-E sees us and waves.

"Hi, Grubbs! Hi, Mr Crumbles!" he calls.

"Um. Maybe not," I comment drily.

0

_Back in the Popcornata..._

"And one is the seventeenth number!" Lord Boss declared triumphantly. It was near the end of his Maths lesson. Decesso's feathers were now coal black. And that's pretty darn bad, considering black _isn't _a shade of blue.

"Ah... let's stop doing Maths. Why don't we... terrorise humans at the mall?" Decesso mulled over this, and then added, "On Earth."

"OK! We can watch some movies!" Lord Boss shouted. Decesso winced. Lord Boss was too loud, and plus, why would _demons _want to watch a movie?

"Well, I guess, but-" Decesso began.

"No! I know the best place! Come with me! To the BossMobile!"

_A few minutes later._

"OK, OK. First, we are gonna go to Foodworld. They sell the BEST popcorn!" Lord Boss declared. They – as in Lord Boss and Decesso – were going down on an escalator. The humans didn't seem to notice them.

"Popcorn my foot! We came here to terrorise humans!" Decesso cried irritably. But Lord Boss ignored his teacher.

"Ah, yes! Here we are!" he cried, and they were revealed to a beautiful, small flower shop. Decesso's beak dropped open. Not because of its beauty, because it _was a freaking flower shop, God darn it!_

"This is a flower shop," he said. Lord Boss smirked at his teacher's ignorance. Well, to him it was ignorance. To any other person it would be pure sanity. But remember, Lord Boss was a popcorn-obsessed weirdo demon with a craving for video and computer games.

"Ah, you haven't seen through this... _sly, cunning mask? _Yes, what you see is a flower shop. But these flowers are actually types of food cleverly _disguised _as flowers!" Lord Boss proclaimed, and picked up a thorny rose and lifted it up to his nose and sniffed. He gave a sigh of pure bliss then _crunched it up like a goat. _His face twisted into a frown and he spat it out onto the shiny, polished marble floor.

"Hey, bubs, what're you doing here?" a gruff voice called. It was a man in denim overalls and a red and white striped shirt. He didn't seem to notice he was talking to two demons. He gazed down at the pulped, red, pool of rose petals on the floor and gasped. "You gon' pay for that?"

"My, my, manager, pretty stale bread you got here, eh?" Lord Boss commented.

"What? _Stale bread? _For God's sake, sir, these are roses! Extremely high-quality roses too. From Brazil, tended by little homeless Brazilian kids! And now you just wasted one Brazilian kid's work. And you won't even pay for it! Plus you screwed up the floor to – and it was just polished. You know who by? Yep, by a little Brazilian kid! That's _two _Brazilian kid's work you just wasted. I _demand _justice!"

"Where do you keep your popcorn, eh? Oh! Maybe this!" Lord Boss cried as he descended on some violets.

"NO! NOT THE VIOLETS!" 

0

"... Sammie was the _best friend _anyone could ever have! But _noo, _you just had to kill him, didn't you?" I rant, cornering Bill-E. But Bill-E just has an innocent little smile on his face, acting all guiltless. But on the inside, he's a merciless, vicious, little retard. he gazes at me, and says, "Hey, you forgot to put a capital letter at the start of this sentence."


	6. Chapter 5

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 5

Monkeys in the forest

I'm in Dervish's study, playing computer games. Dervish prefers computer games over video games. Bill-E comes by in the middle of a Team Fortress 2 game, and pulls me away from the MacBook. I scream and try to shake him off.

"Dervish! The creepy stalker dude is kidnapping me!" I shout. Dervish sees me and jumps out of his chair and does a somersault. He lands on his left hand and does a one-handed cartwheel and kicks Bill-E in the face. Bill-E plunges into the wall and lands in a heap of broken bones. OK, fine, I lied; HHh ehe didn't land in a heap of broken bones. He just crashes against the wall and falls to the floor, dazed and confused. Dervish clasps his hands together and says to me, "So. Do you want to carry on the Team Fortress 2 game?"

0

_Back in the Popcornata…_

"Now, recite the alphabet for me," Decesso ordered. Lord Boss smiled up at his teacher innocently and began.

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…" he sang. Decesso nodded in agreement and his feathers began to lighten.

"Q, T, J, M, S, X, O, V-"

"What? No! It's I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P!" Decesso cried, and his feathers darkened to coal black. Again. Lord Boss was confused.

"U, Y, W, P, K, X, Z?" he frowned. Decesso closed his eyes and reminded himself that Lord Boss _was _a first grader.

"No- I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P. Got that?"

"Oh, I get it now! J, L, S, M, T, Y, V, P!" Lord Boss cried. "And then, Z, W, I, X, O, U, K, R, N and Q! Now I know my R, N, Q, next time I will sing with you!"

0

"Jhudugrughgjsigjsgjoguihguh," Dervish gurgled. I give him a quizzical look.

"What's up with you?" I ask.

"Hdjhjdhgrhgirhgnklkjeejnvjd," Dervish explains, but I don't understand a word of it.

"Huh?"

Dervish clears his throat and explains.

"The author was bored, so she made me suffer serious mental issues."

"Oh."

It's been an hour since Dervish beat Bill-E up. He suggested reporting Bill-E to the police, but I told him that we could deal with him on our own. So here we are now, sitting at the kitchen table, talking. I've noticed that Dervish is a real boring guy. I mean, like, he seems like a haunted man. And it isn't even Book Three yet.

"Why do seem so haunted? Y'know, just out of curiosity."

Dervish stares at me for a long, long time.

"I've been through a lot. Especially thirty years ago," he explains, and then shudders. "Book Two explains everything."

"But I'm not in Book Two!" I complain. Dervish rolls his eyes.

"You'll find out in Book Six, then."

"Can't you tell me now?"

"Believe me; you do not want to know."

I snort at him like a pig.

"Well, then. I'm going to the forest, just for the heck of it. 'Kay?" I declare. Dervish only grunts. I grunt back and storm out of the house. When I fling the door open and stomp out, I bump into a brown cow. It moos loudly at me. I freeze. Why does this cow look so familiar?

Suddenly the cow disappears and is replaced with… Bill-E! I nearly scream, but Bill-E clamps a hand over my mouth.

"Shut up! Look, come with me into the forest. I need to show you something…"

So I have to follow him.

0

"Look up there!" Bill-E tells me in a whisper. I look up and spot a monkey in a tree. It looks back down at me and shrieks. Before I can back away, it jumps off the branch it was sitting on onto my face.

"-"

_A few minutes later_

"!" I scream, trying to wrench the monkey off my face. How can it do this to me? My face… my beautiful _face! _Suddenly the monkey disappears and I left standing there, with a scarred face. Bill-E is standing next to me, a bewildered expression crossing his face. I glare at him heatedly. He didn't even bother to _help _me. I mean, I know I beat him up and all, but that's no reason to just stand there and watch a monkey attack me.

"Hey, Bill-E, you should have helped me," I snarl, baring my teeth. Before Bill-E can reply, another monkey jumps off a tree and attacks _his _face. He screams just as I did, his screeches lasting a few minutes before the monkey mysteriously disappears. He glares at me heatedly.

"Hey, Grubbs, you should have helped me," he snarls, baring his teeth. Before I can reply, another monkey jumps off a tree and attacks _my _face.

This repeats for another half hour.

0

"That's not what I wanted to show you. _This _is."

Bill-E shoves a big, rotting badger thing in my face. It smells terrible. I push it away and punch Bill-E in the face. Bill-E flies back 6,000,000,000,000 feet. He comes back covered in plasters, bandages and bruises.

"Don't you like Badgery?" he asks. I step away from him. I'm starting to think that Bill-E's a little dangerous. "That's OK. I have Hedgyhoggy and Swanny and-"

"Look. I don't give a stuff about all this _Hedgyhoggy _crap. I just wanna know _why _you have them."

Bill-E pouts and turns his back to me, sulking.

"Leave Hedgyhoggy alone," he defends.

"Hedgyhoggy's dead, stupid," I snort.

"Still, leave him alone!" he insists.

"He's a freaking _rotting carcass. _I don't have to leave him alone!" I cry. Bill-E faces me, eyebrows furrowed seriously.

"_Leave him alone!" _he shouts, stamping his foot. His fists are clenched, and fury is showing in his eyes. For a second there I think he's going to hit me, but he relaxes.

"Come," he says. "I need to show you something."

0

When we enter the mansion, Dervish is talking to some random woman. She's blonde and is covered in leather, just like how Dervish is covered in denim. They're having some debate about cupcakes.

"How can you think _strawberry _icing is good on chocolate cupcakes? Strawberry's only good on normal cupcakes! Duh!" the woman says. Dervish glares.

"You think that I'll believe you, just because you're a woman? You think you can defy the law of chocolate cupcakes? You think that I'll give up and surrender? Huh? Well, you're wrong. I'll stay to defend the last of justice forever, no matter what you accomplices of injustice say and do!" he declares, slamming his fist on the table. The woman returns his icy stare.

"You…" I tune out on the conversation. Bill-E and I slip past them and walk upstairs. We walk into Dervish's study. Bill-E stops me there.

"I need to tell you something," he says. He takes a deep breath and his eyes dart around, as if someone was spying on us.

"I'm a werecow."

**Author's Note: Sorry I haven't updated in a long time. I was on holiday in New Zealand for three weeks, and in my house in New Zealand there's no Internet connection for the computer, and at the Internet Cafes you couldn't make a word document. So yeah.**


	7. Chapter 6

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 6

Werecows

"What's a werecow?" I ask, edging away from Bill-E. He _is _dangerous.

"A werecow – someone who can turn into a cow. Except werecows can turn into cows at will, unlike werewolves. But a werecow _has _to turn into a cow when it's a full sun," Bill-E explains. I stare at him.

"A _full sun? _Don't you mean full moon?" I snort.

Bill-E rolls his eyes impatiently.

"No, that's werewolves. See, there's a family curse. You either turn into a werewolf or a werecow. I'm a werecow. _Werewolves _turn at the full moon, and they can't turn at will. _Werecows, _on the other hand, turn at the full sun, and they _can _turn at will."

"Oh. That explains why whenever a cow disappears, _you _appear in its place," I say. Bill-E nods.

"Exactly."

"Wait a minute. Cows are female," I realise.

"Well, I'm a male cow."

"It's called a bull. So you _can't _be a cow!" I declare. I see tears well up in Bill-E's eyes.

"Stop discriminating against werecows!" he shouts, tears streaming down his face. He sobs, and buries his face in his hands.

"I discriminate against whomever I like, man!" I announce. Suddenly Bill-E is gone and a cow takes his place. The cow moos loudly and charges at me. I scream and turn and run. I sprint down the stairs, the cow – Bill-E – following. Bill-E nearly has me... he stretches his neck, clamps his teeth on the back collar of my shirt...

"NO!" I bellow, and jump off the railing of the stairs. I hear a ripping sound and I know that the collar of my shirt has been ripped off. At least my head hasn't.

When I crash against the floor, I see that the blonde woman and Dervish are still debating about cupcakes. They don't seem concerned when they see that I had broken my arm due to the fall. Instead, Dervish comes and pulls me off the floor. He shoves me towards the woman clad in black leather and says, "Grubbs meet Meera Flame. Meera Flame, meet Grubbs."

Meera and I both shake our hands and say hi, and Dervish continues.

"Now, Grubbs, what do you prefer: Strawberry icing on chocolate cupcakes or strawberry icing on normal cupcakes?"

Oh, crap.

I sweat as they both stare down at me with icy glares.

"St-strawberry o-on n-normal c-c-c-c-cupcakes," I stutter. Meera has a triumphant look on her face and she looks up at Dervish. Dervish is scowling and he lets go of my arm.

"Traitor," he snarls.

0

Bill-E has mysteriously disappeared. Thank Goodness for _that. _But then I remember what else he said about werecows –_it's a family curse. _Bill-E ain't a _part _of _my _family. He's too... weird... to be. If he _is _part of my family, I'd be ashamed. Suddenly, a loud moo behind. I spin around, defences up. A big black and white cow is before me. I relax. Bill-E's a brown cow.

Another moo behind me. I turn.

_It's a brown cow!_

I break off into a run in the opposite direction. Bill-E charges after me, mooing as if it was the end of the world. _MOOOOOOO! _Suddenly I feel teeth fixed firmly on my right arm. I scream and try to shake Bill-E off. That only worsens the excruciating pain flaring in my arm. Then the teeth disappear and something grabs my left shoulder.

"Huh. I got you for that one," a voice says. Phew! Bill-E's a human again. I glance at my right arm and see bright red teeth marks gouged in the flesh.

"I don't stick discrimination against us werecows," Bill-E huffs.

0

_Back in the Popcornata..._

"Pet Day! Oh, boy, oh, boy!" Lord Boss cried excitedly as Decesso announced the latest news. A wide smile stretched from mangled ear to mangled ear. "I'm going to bring my pet!"

_On Pet Day..._

Lord Boss stood at the front of the classroom, a skeleton mouse on the palm of one of his hands. His classmates sat in front of him, staring. Decesso, who stood by the door of the classroom, nodded at him to begin.

"This is my pet mouse. His name is Cheesy," he announced. His demon classmates moved back in their chairs at the same time. They whispered to each other and gave Lord Boss weird looks, when finally one of them spoke. He was a weird kangaroo-like demon with the ears of a bear and the golden eyes of a snake. Spikes sprouted out of its furry back.

"That's a... cheesy name," he said.


	8. Chapter 7

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 7

Werewolves

Bill-E and I are watching TV, eating popcorn. The teeth marks on my arms have mysteriously disappeared.

The reason why I'm with Bill-E is because his grandparents kicked him out of the house because they were practicing wrestling for the Wrestling World Cup on TV – and they told Bill-E to stay at my house. Dervish went out to some pub with Meera "to break out the truth to her and convince her that strawberry icing is better on chocolate cupcakes". Well, _I'm _convinced that he's Insane in the Membrane. Whatever it is hiding in the pages of Book Two, I'm glad _I'm _only going to be revealed to it in Book Six.

"You know what I think I'll do?" Bill-E says after a long silence. We haven't been talking for AGES, and I wasn't intending to start now.

"What?" I ask, exasperated.

"I think that I should start up an organization called _'Werecows for the win', _and-"

"NO. Just NO."

"Wait! You haven't heard everything yet. So it will be called _'Werecows for the win', _and it will work to ban Werecow discrimination. Yes, that's what I'll do-"

"I. SAID. NO."

Bill-E sticks his lower lip out in an exaggerated pout and glares at me. I glare back at him. Then he throws Kernel at me. Kernel scowls at us, wipes his hands on his shorts and storms out of the room in a huff.

"Gee, Bill-E, you should have more respect for pieces of the Kah-Gash. Because first of all, you throw Kernel at me – that's discriminating against both of us Kah-Gash pieces. And then you go and exist, and that's offensive. You should be ashamed, Bill-E," I shake my head, disgusted by Bill-E's stupidity. Then Bill-E says, "I need to show you something."

I roll my eyes.

"The last time you showed me something, it wasn't a very good thing," I say, remembering Badgery and Bill-E turning into a cow.

"This doesn't include Badgery, or Hedgyhoggy. It's about werewolves. I think Dervish is a werewolf."

"What makes you think that?" I contradict.

"_They_ made me do it!" Bill-E accuses, pointing a finger at Darren Shan and Navyseal33. "He wrote the original, and _she_ used his idea!"

"OK, fine. Darren, Navyseal33, make Bill-E think differently," I order.

"Fine," Navyseal33 and Darren retort, and grumble to each other. Suddenly, Bill-E says, "I've changed my mind. I don't think that Dervish is a werewolf. Hey! Why don't we go visit Badgery?"

"NO."

"Oh, come on," Bill-E says, and he drags me off the sofa and out of the house, over to the forest. I pull myself away from him, because he looks like he's about to vomit. He does. The vomit is – OK, I won't describe it. It'll just tip the reader off, and Navyseal33 doesn't want that to happen.

_You bet I don't_

Yes, yes, now shut up.

_I'm your author; you can't tell _me _to shut up!_

Yes, you're my author, and you're typing what I say, so you're basically having an argument with yourself. You suck.

_Oh, shut up._

Anyway, Bill-E is starting to go a little weird. Black, mangy hairs are starting to sprout out of his skin, and his fingernails are growing, too. Plus his eyes have gone a strange luminous yellow, and he has long, pointy daggers for fangs. It's only then I realise that he's a werecow _and _a werewolf. No wonder he's so mentally ill.

Suddenly a truck pulls up right next to us, and Dervish and Meera jump out, holding a tray of chocolate cupcakes with strawberry icing. They spot me, completely ignoring Bill-E, and wave me over.

"Eat a cupcake," Meera instructs me, "And complain to Dervish how bad they are."

I point at Bill-E.

"_Look _at that."

Meera ignores me, but Dervish looks at Bill-E.

"Oh, never mind him. He won't do you any harm. "Hey Meera, why don't we offer him a cupcake?"

"Great idea!" Meera exclaims and takes a cupcake off the tray. She marches over to the growling Bill-E and orders him, "Take it."

Bill-E cautiously picks up the cupcake and sniffs it. Then he gobbles it up greedily, spraying the crumbs all over Meera. When he's finished, he glances up for more, and when Meera won't give him any, he pounces…

**A/N: OK, I know I haven't updated in a while. It's because school just started recently, and it's so busy – I had to do Swim Heats, I have to do this project, I have all this other homework… so yeah. I finally managed to squeeze in time for this. And, yes, I know that Bill-E shouldn't be turning into a werewolf yet. But I really want to finish this, because I've got a great idea for the mysterious Book Two. Sorry I couldn't put in a bit with Lord Boss and Decesso!**


	9. Chapter 8

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 8

Frogs and Elephants

Meera crashes to the ground, Bill-E on top. Meera's skull cracks against the stone of the pavement and the tray of cupcakes flies out of her hands. Dervish gives a cry of surprise as he sees the cupcakes crumble against the floor, and then shoots Bill-E with a tranquiliser dart.

"Darn," he mutters as Bill-E slumps to the ground, unconscious, "I should've shot him with a real gun."

"Yeah, you should've," I agree. "Oh well. Shouldn't we take them inside the truck?"

Dervish shrugs.

"I guess," he sighs, as if he was reluctant to do so. So he heaves both Bill-E and Meera up and hauls them onto the same shoulder and marches into the truck. I follow after him.

The room is extremely colourful, the walls plastered with cupcake posters. There's an oven in one corner, a sink next to it.

"Wait a minute," I frown. "I thought this was a _truck, _not a _caravan_."

Dervish shrugs again, and then says, "Same difference."

And then he changes the subject _completely, _by saying, "Bill-E's your brother."

"_WHAT?" _I stare at Dervish in horror, my jaw hitting the floor. Dervish nods sadly and solemnly, and my hands fly up to my mouth, the words _Bill-E's my brother _running through my mind.

"Unfortunately, yes, he is. See, he's Cal's and Emily Spleen's kid. Emily Spleen is this random woman that randomly died some random time ago. Here's the random story of how they randomly met. Cal randomly met her one random day – and I _mean _random, because on that very day flying cows were flapping through the air and dropping liquorice allsorts – and then Bill-E suddenly – sorry, I mean _randomly – _appeared. And there you go. The story of how Bill-E came to life."

"Wait," I frown, "I thought it was the story of how Dad and Emily Spleen randomly met."

Dervish looks flustered.

"Yeah, but it changes from time to time," he explains. I nod.

"Ah. Right."

"That makes him my _nephew. _Why is it _me _that gets all the bad luck?" Dervish cries. I'm confused. What does he mean by that? Then it dawns on me: whatever's in the pages of Book Two. I suppress a shudder and ask, "Why didn't Dad tell Mum?"

Dervish glares at me.

"Why do you _think? _Cal didn't want an _idiot _in the family!"

"Oh. I thought it was because he didn't want to hurt Mum's feelings."

"Yeah... well, that too."

We're silent for a moment, until Bill-E wakes up and growls at us. Dervish just heaves a rock at him and Bill-E falls silent again.

0

_Back in the Popcornata..._

'Do re mi fa so la ti do!" Lord Boss sang while smashing the keys of a piano with his screwed-up hands. Decesso winced at every wrong note. Lord Boss had sung 'Do' as 'Fa', 'Re' as 'Ti', 'So' as 'Mi' and 'La' as the higher 'Do'. He didn't even want to know how his student managed to do that. He just listened to him happily sing his tunes, and it was only until Lord Boss' third tune, 'When the saints go marching in', which he sang to the tune of 'YMCA', Decesso finally lost his temper.

His feathers turned a very dark shade, even darker than coal black, which was not thought to be possible. Well, it was possible _now._

"NO, NO, NO!" he shouted so loudly that Lord Boss stopped singing.

"_Fine," _Lord Boss pouts, sticking his lower lip (which was also screwed-up), "I have business to do anyway. Dervish Grady and his nephew Grubbs just summoned me. Buh-bye!"

And his vanished into a puff of purple smoke.

0

"NO, NO, NO! Dervish, why on _earth did you do that?" _I cry, waving my arms about crazily. Dervish looks bewildered too. And then he turns from the book he was reading from and glares at me.

"Well, _sorry, _Grubbs, but Navyseal33 possessed me and forced me to summon Lord Boss. _Jeez, _do you seriously think I would do such an outrageous thing on purpose? Huh? Huh? _Huh?" _Dervish snaps. I pause to consider what he said. Would he do such an outrageous thing on purpose? But then again, he is horribly screwed up from his adventures in Book 2, so I guess he _would._

"Yes."

"Well, I don't think _you'll _be winning any Game Shows," Dervish retorts and scowls at me. But before I can contradict him, or even _insult _him, Lord Boss magically appears, and Dervish and I frown.

"I thought that there was supposed to be these cool sound effects and stuff when demons were summoned," Dervish says, confused. I nod in agreement, and Lord Boss shrugs.

"Well, the monkeys from Fairyland are way better than the monkeys from _Maryland," _he says, and Dervish and I both stare at him. This unnerves the screwed up demon guy. "What?" he mutters edgily, and backs away, his cranberry-raisin eyes flickering from my uncle to me.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask and Lord Boss shrugs again.

"I don't know. I only know that the little tree frog in your closet will turn into an elephant at the count of three. One... Two..." he counts, and my closet, which is in the far right-hand corner, trembles. "THREE!"

A tree frog leaps out of the closet, eyes a brilliant, flickering red, and starts morphing into a large, wrinkled elephant. Its eyes fade to a dull black, and its slimy green skin starts creasing up into leathery folds, as well as going a dark grey. The mutant frog starts growing, and a long snake-like trunk sprouts out above its lips. Ivory tusks grow on both sides of the trunk; a small, shrivelled tail with a tuft of black fur on the tip has grown out of the frog's rear end. Its webbed feet are huge now, like leather cylinders with toes at the bottom.

"Huh?" Dervish gasps and backs away into a wall, his colourless eyes as wide as saucers. The frog, which is now an elephant, hasn't stopped growing, and will crush everything in the room unless it is stopped. Dervish settles a penetrating glare on Lord Boss. "Make it turn back. NOW."

"I can't. It wasn't _my _idea. It was Navyseal33's," Lord Boss explains. Dervish glares at Navyseal33.

"Make it turn back," he snaps. Navyseal33 grumbles to herself.

_You guys _never _let me have any fun._

"Yeah? Well, that's because we don't _like _navy-coloured seals!" Dervish snarls.

_Oh, so are you discriminating against navy-coloured seals, now? Shut up, or I won't stop the elephant from growing _and _I'll make you suffer the Hunger Games._

"What has the Hunger Games got to do with anything?" Dervish demands, glaring.

_I don't know. I just _like _the Hunger Games, OK? Leave the Hunger Games alone!_

Suddenly, the elephant stops growing.

_Happy now?_

"Yes," Dervish and I say curtly, and Lord Boss looks crestfallen.

"But I _like _frogs that turn into elephants!" he insists, but my uncle and I both simply ignore him. Then Dervish suddenly says, "We don't need you, Lord Boss. Go away."

Lord Boss looks offended – yeah, well, he _should._

"But I want to play video-games! Then I can cure Bill-E for you," he says. Dervish and I look mortified.

"Why on earth would we want Bill-E to be cured? Who would do such a terrible thing?" Dervish gasps.

"PLAY VIDEO-GAMES WITH ME AND I WILL CURE BILL-E!" Lord Boss commands, completely ignoring what Dervish had just protested. Then Lord Boss disappears in a puff of bright pink smoke, and Dervish and I follow soon after...

NAVYSEAL33 MADE US

**Author's Note: OK, sorry I haven't updated in a while. It's just that school's so annoying. I get like, FIVE pieces of homework a day, and plus I'm writing the script of this play me and my friends planned, and also I'm getting ready for camp. So don't expect anything more from me next week, or the week after that. In fact, I probably won't update till mid-December. Late December you won't hear a thing, because of Christmas and my birthday and holiday-homework (the most dreaded thing EVER). So yeah... I'm on a tight schedule here! **


	10. Chapter 9

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 9: The Munchkins of Flamberdoodles

A bright white light flashes and I flail my arms out wildly, clawing and trying in vain to grasp onto something that will stop me from falling. I land on the floor with a thud. The floor is made of stone, so it hurts my back.

"Ow…" I mumble as I sit up. Dervish doesn't even notice; the stupid little retard he is. He's just gazing around in horror and fear and perplexity. I look around too, and see what he was staring at in such terror.

It was a list.

**Lord Boss's familiars**

**Vein**

**Artery**

**Blood**

**Vessel**

**Heads**

**Shoulders**

**Knees**

**Toes**

**Liver**

**Funny**

**Bone**

**Femur**

**Spine**

**Skull**

**Tibia**

**Eyeball**

**Tooth**

**Gum**

**Tongue**

**Belly**

**Button**

**Organ**

**Heart**

**White**

**Blood 2**

**Cells**

**Eye**

**Like**

**Cow**

**Liver 2**

**Diaphragm**

"What the hell is this blasphemy?" I manage to gasp. I stared at the large bulletin board that had the list pinned to it, wondering why anyone could do such a horrible thing.

"So it's true," Dervish muses. He spies me looking at him quizzically, and explains, "There was a legend that Lord Boss found random demons in the Demonata and slapped an organ name or body part onto them as a name and made the demon his familiar. Now I see that the legend is in fact genuine."

"You Disciples are weird," I comment.

"I didn't even tell you about Disciples," Dervish frowns.

"Yeah, well this is a parody. I know these things!" I snap back. We glare at each other vehemently until the door is kicked down and hurtles across the room towards Dervish and smashes him to a wall. He howls and yowls in anguish and pain, his eyes bulging wildly with passionate agony, and his face goes white with fear and torment. His shrieks are loud and wild, shrill and piercing, as sharp as a cat's glinting claw. Finally he shuts the hell up and dismissively pushes the door off of himself.

"Right. Now that I've done being melodramatic, I shall gaze in anger at this utter idiot who pushed this stupid door at me in the first place," he announces. He gazed at Lord Boss (who had kicked the door at him) in boiling anger, his eyes glittering with vengeance.

Lord Boss looks nervous, his own cranberry-raisin eyes awash with confusion and distress.

"I shalt not succumb to thou Disciple's glower of rage," quoth he, for some apparent reason resorting to Middle English.

"What the hell art thou speaking about?" I demand, and my eyebrows furrow in sheer bemusement. Why am _I _speaking like this?

"I have no more point in life! I shalt unleash my faithful servants upon you! Attack, my mighty minions!" Lord Boss declares, and he cackles in malice and evil. Dervish and I exchange terrified glances, knowing this is the end; there is no more hope left for us against the stupidly named yet merciless familiars of Lord Boss…

But something more terrible happened.

Lord Boss disappeared in a puff of ghostly, wispy fog, misty plumes twisting and grasping at invisible poles, and a loud, riotous screech pealed, and a bunch of spontaneous munchkins flooded through hidden doors and trapdoors to ambush us. Dervish and I wailed in angst and sorrow.

The munchkins descended on us, eyes bright with evil delight…

_Will Dervish and Grubbs Grady survive the ruthless plague of tittering, caterwauling munchkins? Find out next time, in Chapter 10: Actual Urban Terror._

**Author's Note: OK. Sorry I was unable to maintain my promise, but my school is merciless when it comes to end-of-term tests and assignments. My determination to not fail horribly in Science and Geography prevented me from writing this chapter in mid-December. But, on a much happier note, I didn't fail Science and Geography. **


	11. Chapter 10

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 10

Actual Urban Terror

There are munchkins everywhere. Plunging from the cobwebbed ceilings, flooding from the vanishing walls, emerging from the disintegrating floorboards... in fact, the only thing keeping me from falling to my dreadful demise were the tittering, swarming creatures. That was the only upside. There were millions of downsides of this mind-corrupting calamity: one, there were at least six or seven of them gnawing on the lower half of my trousers. Two, another was tugging and jerking on my beautiful ginger hair. Three, an extra small one was seemingly attempting to squeeze itself into my ear. I found myself immensely thankful that its bizarre endeavour was to no avail.

"GET THEM OFF ME!" I heard Dervish roar wildly. I glance briefly in his direction and witness at least ten terrible munchkins mauling him. In fact, it seemed as if one of them had it merciless little mouth of needles clamped over his arm.

I open my mouth to bellow back a reply, but before I can, a random munchkin topples from the spidery expanse above and closes its minute fingers over my nose. A frenzied scream escapes my parted lips like a mad gorilla charging from its destroyed enclosure – but unlike the ape, my shriek did not cause havoc or trauma upon the beastly thing in my face. Its frighteningly vibrant sapphire eyes twinkle mysteriously, and I stare back with some uncertainty. And then the thing emits its own unbearably high-pitched wail that causes a way more dramatic reaction than mine. I flinch back in utter astonishment and anguish, as you have no idea HOW agonising this screech was for my ears. The pain was excruciating! Unable to bear with it anymore, I angrily haul the munchkin off and gaze as it writhes uncontrollably upon the myriad of other diminutive creatures underneath it.

I fling the munchkins latched onto my head off, and kick the beasts on my feet away. From there, I cautiously pick my way through to where Dervish was, cringing from things whenever necessary. When I reach my suffering uncle, I clear him of the little devils and wrench him to my side. I subconsciously encircle my fingers around a particularly thick web dangling from the ceiling and hoist myself and Dervish onto it.

And then, abruptly, the munchkins begin to vanish.

"Well, well," a voice booms from overhead. Dervish and I both glance up in horror, and see the screwed-up Lord Boss descending on us from massive heights. There is a great, big smirk plastered onto his distorted face, and it widens as he recognises our intense fear.

"I see you have completed the Ultimate Test of the Munchkins of Flamberdoodles. Very well done. But your Tests have not ended yet – you are all obliged to play Urban Terror with me, whether you like it or not!" he declared – I mean, declare_s. _Sorry, for a moment there I forgot that this was present-tense. It happens a lot, you know? It's a good thing that Word was invented, as well as the computer, otherwise my eraser would be no more but a tiny morsel of whatever erasers are made of.

_Shut up, Grubbs, stop rambling on about erasers. No-one cares._

Yeah, well, _you_ do! You're the one who's writing this crap!

_Excuse me? Did you just call _my _writing _crap? _Well, I'm sorry, but this is your story and you'd better live with it! ROAR OF FURY!_

You're arguing with yourself. You _suck._

_Well, I apologise _profusely, _but the fact that I suck is none of your concerns. Now, get on with the story, and _don't _warble on about erasers and present tense and things._

Fine, then, be that way. But you have to quit randomly butting in on _my _story. You cannot deny that this is my biography! You said it yourself!

Anyway, back to the program. Lord Boss floats about us like a wad of chicken flesh that had been gnawed on five-billion times, as if he was a disconcertingly horrific demon that struck terror into all the hearts of those who laid their innocent eyes upon him. The truth was he _was _a disconcertingly horrific demon that struck terror into the hearts of those who lay their eyes upon him, but that was only because he was mind-bogglingly ugly. He must think he was epic and awesome, drifting about us like that, but he certainly could not tell an awestruck expression from an utterly disdainful frown. Because that's exactly what I was showing on my face.

"Dude, I could thrash you in Urban Terror anytime," is all I deadpan as the revolting thing wafts about me. Lord Boss pouts – at least, he attempts to pout. It just looks like he is trying to lick his nose – or, what is supposed to be his nose, rather.

"SHUT UP! Leave my Urban Terror skills alone. I'm good at it, I REALLY AM! At least, I think I am. I beat Artery," he tells us hopefully. We all avert our gazes to Artery, who is currently chewing on a ruler he'd picked up from the myriad of stationery trash on the table.

"Ah... I suppose that took a _lot _of talent to beat him," I say drily. Lord Boss' face brightens; he evidently does not understand the definition of 'sarcasm'.

"So! Do ya wanna play Urban Terror?" he asks jovially. Dervish and I are uncertain. Although we are quite competent at the shooting game, and Lord Boss can only manage to beat a bizarre, demonic baby monster that indulges itself by gnawing on rulers, we don't think we have the potential. So Dervish decides, "Nah."

Lord Boss looks crestfallen.

"Hey, how can I look crestfallen? I don't even have a crest!" he retorts boldly and petulantly. Navyseal33 ignores him and continues the story.

_You should thank me for that._

Yeah, actually, as much as I don't want to admit it, I do.

_Good._

But I still think it's annoying that you are constantly butting into my story. It's MY story, OK, NOT yours! _ROAR OF FURY!_

_Hey! That's _my _line, and only _I _use italics! ROAR OF FURY! BELLOW OF RAGE! SNARL OF INDIGNATION! GROWL OF VEXATION!_

Yeah? Well, I don't. Give. A. Darn!

_(Bizarre defiant sound people make when defiant). Think you're so great, huh? Well, I'm writing your story, so you better not make me mad!_

I am great! And I don't _care _if I make you mad!

_There you go again! Using italics when you're not supposed to. Well, that does it! I WILL NOT tolerate your childish impudence. I shall put you through PAIN!_

I hear a distinct Roar Of Fury and Dervish and I wobble on our web. Lord Boss somehow manages to totter in the air, and he loses his balance somehow and he crashes down upon us. I receive a face full of weird, mushy, dough stuff. Dervish emits a scream of utter disgust and terror, and as I twist away from Lord Boss I can see why. The Munchkins of Flamberdoodles were back, and with passionate vengeance! Their tiny, miniscule eyes sparkled with evil delight, and their high-pitched, mentally deranged giggles filled the room. I scream to, as does Lord Boss, but I only think he does because he notices that his ruler is broken. Well, that's his own fault for adopting Artery.

"Rulery!" Lord Boss shrieks in woeful despair. He abruptly stops in mid-air and so do Dervish and I, because we are hanging off some of the rotting bones jutting out of his outlandish flesh. Wait – since when did Lord Boss have _bones _jutting out of his flesh? Meh. I should be grateful. At least I won't be killed by those merciless, terrible munchkins below us.

But, on the downside, I would have to deal with the demon master's pitiful wails for his lost ruler.

"Rulery! Oh, you were _such _a beautiful, wondrous ruler! RULERY!" he mourned, lamenting the gruesome death of the plastic stick. Artery held it in his contentedly snapping hands, with drool oozing down the jagged, broken sides of the ruler. Lord Boss immediately rushes over, but instead of berating the weird baby thingummy, he thanks it for "saving" the carcass of "Rulery".

"Thank you, Vein! Thank you for finding the corpse!" he weeps.

"_Vein?" _I ask incredulously. Artery nods.

"Yep. We swap identities from time to time," he explains matter-of-factly.

"You CAN'T speak, for God's sake! You've got NO TONGUE!" I cry in determination. Suddenly, without and warning, Vein – the other one, the one with the crocodile head and body of a dog – leaps out of nowhere and clamps her reptilian mouth over my head. It doesn't hurt; at least, her teeth don't. In fact, I think that her fangs are made of rubber. But it smells like lavender in her mouth, and the sweet fragrant of it chokes me. There is a group of miniature soldiers having a tea party down underneath her tonsils, which are embellished with candles, like a chandelier. What has this doggish, reptilian, womanish _thing _been eating?

I scream, because the peculiarity of this calamity is corrupting my mind. This monstrosity, this outrage, this tragedy, was Actual Urban Terror. Dead family, psychiatrically disordered uncle, imbecilic, mentally deficient demon master with familiars that switch names every so often, how much worse could my life get?

_Much worse. Much, much worse._

**A/N: OK, sorry for updating this late and also for the fact that this chapter wasn't one of my funniest (at least, it isn't in my opinion). I sort of had to rush it because I had a Geography assignment and a Science test AGAIN. I didn't fail, luckily. I got A's for both of them (actually, for Science I got an A*, which is basically an A+. YAY!). And also, I actually do give Roars Of Fury when I'm mad. As well as Bellows Of Rage and Snarls Of Indignation and Growls Of Vexation. But it's usually Roars Of Fury :).**


	12. Chapter 11

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 11

A Slight Change of Plans

After Navyseal33's last words before disappearing from this story completely (that's right – no more of her aggravating complaints!), an eerie hush takes sway of the room. Lord Boss, with his half-eaten ruler clutched in his mangled hands, begins to bewail the loss of his ruler silently. Artery, with his idiotic smirk contorting both his two hands and face, sniggers in silence too. Oh wait – there are three items smirking. 'Both' only applies to two things, not three. Meh – I've never been one for English.

Not a word, yell or sound is uttered from Dervish, who I know is trembling with fear. Even the miniature soldiers throwing a tea party down in the fleshy depths of Vein's lavender-fragrant throat pause and the rowdiness dies away, leaving them to gaze around in fear. One of them – a lanky one with cold blue eyes like Dervish – looks me deep in my own eyes, and I try to utter a frightened whimper, as the experience is so mind-damaging, but my throat becomes clogged and I end up fighting a silent fight against whatever the hell it is choking me.

Suddenly, Vein releases me, and I stumble backward, into the table. Whoa! Since when was there a floor here? And where did all those munchkins go? Yes – the power of parodies again! Thank goodness. However, I am in for more surprises. Artery's scary smirk stretches to an extent so abnormal that he ruins my spectacular touch of alliteration.

_Actually, it was _my _spectacular touch of alliteration._

Hey! You said you weren't going to interrupt my story until Book 3!

_Oh yeah. Sorry._

God... that navy-coloured seal is _terrible _at maintaining her promises. Jeez.

Anyway... back to the story. I am released, and I stagger to the table. Artery's grin broadens so unnaturally that I wonder if emerging from Vein's massive, rubber jaws was a good thing. His grins snap with glee, and Lord Boss speaks, shattering the immense silence that had formerly presided over the spidery-webby (oh, God, I sound like Bill-E) room.

"Well, Grubitsch, there's been a slight change of plans. We will no longer play Urban Terror. Artery – you explain. I... I am too benevolent and compassionate to tell them," the retarded demon master declares. I snort and roll my eyes. Yeah, right – if he was benevolent and compassionate, he wouldn't be so deprived of mental capacity.

"I can't. I don't have a tongue. Thus, I am hereby unable to speak," Artery says, picking at the filthy cockroaches blowing trumpets on his scalp.

There's nothing I can do but stare.

Finally, after moments of gawking, I can utter words.

"But... but... you just _spoke, _you stupid creature!" I exclaim, flabbergasted. "And... I thought you were Vein!"

"I _told _you, we switch around sometimes! And jeez, stop being such a_... _such a _picky-picky. _I mean, just a few minutes ago, you were complaining about how we _could _speak. So you know what Artery and I did? Yep, we took your suggestion into consideration, and decided that, you know what, if this fussy little kid doesn't like our ability to speak, we won't speak. But _now _you go on ranting about how we _can _speak. God – we stopped, as you requested. What more do you want?" Artery retorted. That merely sparks more confusion into my brain.

"Huh? But I thought _you _were Artery, and _that _thing was Vein!" is all I can splutter. Artery glares with his unearthly fire eyes, and I can almost feel the overpowering heat.

"Yeah? Well, you do a lot of thinking, don't you? Well, _I _think that I've made this simple thing clear: Vein. And. I. Switch. Around. A. Lot. God – stop discriminating against Artery and I just because we like revolution!"

Well, now I am completely mind-boggled. I wave my arms about, flustered.

"But you just said that you were... and she was... and that... AGH! Somebody – KILL ME NOW! I CAN'T LIVE IN A HORRIBLE WORLD LIKE THIS!" I yell in desperation, weeping and sobbing with sheer terror and despair.

Vein's beady black eyes light up.

"With pleasure!" she declares in her stereotypical popular-girl voice.

"What? No!" I protest. "Not literally!"

Lord Boss intervenes.

"Well, too bad, he says," I've conjured, "an idea already."

He glances at what was just typed and giggles.

"Oh look!" he announces, "I've got my punctuation all jumbled!"

There's nothing I can manage but a simple, forceful face-palm.

"So what is it, then?" Dervish demands, moving on. "What's this new plan you've conjured?"

Something tells me it isn't going to be a very nice plan.

My hypothesis is proven right when Lord Boss' face distorts into something that _could _be perceived as a mysterious grin, only the demon's face is so distorted and ugly that I'd advise not to look at it.

"Oh yes," he says coyly, "my new plan. It's about Minecraft."

I think that maybe it's not going to turn out that badly, since its Minecraft.

"There's a new map. It's called Hell's Array. By an unknown creator. And _I _want _you -"_ Lord Boss points at Dervish and me so suddenly that his finger flies off and my uncle utters a terrified yelp and dodges the hurtling twist of doughy stuff and bone and blood.

"- to compete against me in it."

"No," Dervish argues straightaway, "so not happening."

"Why not?" I demand. "It sounds like fun."

"No!" Dervish repeats, only much harsher. He gives me a pleading glance. "Remember the so-called 'reward'?"

Oh right. Bill-E being healed from his werewolf shape. A shame, really, if we win, because a werewolf Bill-E would be far better than a human one. I mean really! Perhaps the werewolf could devour all of those horrible beasts - Badgery, Hedgyhoggy and Swanny.

"Well," I huff mutinously, "it's your own fault for not shooting him with a _real _gun."

"So what is it?" Lord Boss smirks, a little too eagerly. Judging by the uncanny simper deforming his face even further, perhaps this deal isn't worth agreeing too. I turn to Dervish, to change my mind and say no, before that load of mangled crap replies without even hearing our say.

"Brilliant!" Lord Boss gasps in delight. "Why don't we begin?"

Suddenly, the webs disappear, as do everything else (except for Lord Boss, Dervish, Artery, Vein and I), and, in a dazzling array of blending, careening colours, we wind up in the cellar, where computers and laptops lie open and ready on desks. The cellar is dark, illuminated only by the luminosity of the screens.

Dervish's eyes bulge in surprise.

"No!" he protests. "Not my prize iMac! It's massive! It's _mine!"_

Lord Boss's cranberry eyes shoot towards the iMac – literally. They bound out of the sockets like bullets drenched with blood, and splat against the screen of the iMac, creating a red splotch. I peer closer, and soon I realise that his eyes actually _are _cranberries.

"Oh my!" Lord Boss gasps. "It is indeed! Ooh – I choose the iMac, I choose the iMac!"  
>He rushes for it, and would have smashed it to smithereens if it weren't for Dervish jerking him back.<p>

"No!" he spits. "It's mine! All mine! It's my _precious! My ..."_

His voice drones on, freaking me out a bit. Dervish glimpses my unnerved stare, and shrugs in defence.

"What?" he says. "I liked The Hobbit when I was a kid."

He turns back to Lord Boss.

"Since this iMac is my _,_ I'm using it. There. End of argument."

But Lord Boss doesn't seem to think so.

"But... but I'm the guest!" he declares in desperation. "So _I _get to use it!"

Dervish snorts.

"I don't think you will," he counters coldly. Lord Boss glowers with his bloody sockets, and soon it dawns on me that Lord Boss thinks that he _will_ do what Dervish thinks that he won't do.

And all I can say is that the next few chapters will be HELL.

**A/N: Well, here's the next chapter. Obviously. Well... maybe 'obviously' wasn't necessary. For all you know, I might decide to post the first chapter, to add to the stupidity. But I won't do that – I'm far too nice to have my readers suffer intense pain from the stupidity from my stories.**

**Anyway, moving on. I'll try to upload the next chapter next week. By the way, there are only approximately four or five chapters until this story is concluded. But if you liked Lord Boss, or if you merely like ultimate stupidity in stories, I recommend the sequel, which will, obviously, come out after the last chapter of Lord Boss. Maybe at the same time, even. The sequel is named 'Popcorn Thief' – that's all I will disclose of my intricate, utterly retarded and outlandish sequel.**


	13. Chapter 12

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 12

Hell's Array

"OK, OK," I quickly cut in the growing confliction, sensing trouble. Well. Obviously, there will be trouble, even without this ridiculous argument – for God's sake, we've got a mentally ill, doughy cranberry-eyed demon master who can glare with bloody sockets, as well as a crazy middle-aged man obsessed with video games, in our midst. It'd be a miracle not to have any trouble.

"I'll settle this: _I _use the iMac."

Both Dervish and Lord Boss look crestfallen, and they hand their heads in shame. In fact, I think I see a tear glistening on Dervish's face.

But he looks up anyway, this time with a determined expression displayed on his face.

"OK," he acquiesces, "I'll do it. Life is hard. You'll have to make sacrifices – even if it is an iMac. Grubbs... I...I trust you with this computer, this gift. Use it wisely. Remember – I'll always be there with you, even if I die. I'll be there in your heart, in your soul, and in your mind. Reach for the stars, Grubbs."

"OK," I announce in a loud, clear voice, "since when did this parody turn into an emotional adventure story?"

Dervish shrugs.

"Dunno," he says, "but no, it wasn't Navyseal33. I – I just had to say it, you know, I just had to express my feelings. I just wanted to show the author that she doesn't own me. That I'm not just a piece in her fanfiction."

I recognise the reference to the Hunger Games, and silently curse Navyseal33. Her and her games.

"Yeah... no," I say.

We turn to Lord Boss, who is standing self-importantly by his two identity-switching familiars.

"Right," he says, "let us commence Minecraft. The objective of Hell's Array is to acquire all of the types of wool. The one who completes the goal first is the winner, and will subsequently follow me into my video-game room for a final showdown, after winning the prize of popcorn and Bill-E's humanity is restored. Somebody will play the game with me, while the other will be forced to battle with my familiars.

"So. Let Hell's Array -" Lord Boss attempts to snap his fingers, only he fails miserably because the two squidgy lumps on his right hand spatter to the floor, but at the squelch, the room erupts in flames and popcorn begins to pop everywhere "be scattered."

Dervish and I exchange glances. I know what his gaze means – he will play Minecraft against Lord Boss, and I will fight the demons.

As Dervish and Lord Boss sit at two computers, I glare enviously at the latter because he is sitting at the iMac which _I _had occupied. Huh. I refuse to believe that they forgot my reservation of the computer – they must be doing this on purpose.

Dervish and Lord Boss open Minecraft, and Artery and Vein hiss as they close in on me. Artery's mouths snap open and closed in disdain and Vein's dog tail swishes with equal reproval. A box of popcorn has magically appeared in my hand, and I don't hesitate to hurl it at them. It lands square on Vein's elongated muzzle, and she squeals in delight. While the demons are distracted I lunge at them and bring my fist down on Artery's bug-ridden head. Artery snaps out of his pursuit for the popcorn, and turns and attempts to snap at my shin. However, since I am, like, practically a _professional _at parkour, I dodge neatly and sprint over to the opposite side of the room. My feet come in contact with the flaming wall, and I propel myself backwards, clenching my fists so they burrow deep into Artery's ugly face. He gives a guttural yelp and slams into Vein, who growls because the popcorn falls into the fire and is burnt.

"Ha, ha, ha, losers!" I taunt. "Now your popcorn is burnt!"

I proceed to laugh at them. But the fact that their popcorn has been blackened has inflicted a sort of rage upon them, which they unfortunately – and very surprisingly – decide to take out on _me. _I mean, really. Who wants to mess with the Grubbster?

"Bring it on, uglies," I smirk. The demons charge at me, and I lash out and knock Artery out of the air. Caramel spews out of the wound I gave him, and it drenches me, fusing me to the wall. The fire singes my hair, the darned thing, and I stare helplessly as Vein and Artery cackle with evil glee.

Oh, why oh why did the almighty power of parodies decide to turn against me?

I struggle, but the caramel acts as a sort of adhesive and I can't even blink. Don't ask me how that's physically possible, since the caramel isn't even near my face. But anyway, the two retarded demons approach me with chocolate and popcorn and all sorts of cinema food dribbling out of their mouths. They had decided to pig out without me while I was wriggling in my caramel cocoon.

"NO!" a massive protest bursts out of Dervish when he sees that Lord Boss has found the lime coloured wool. His fist comes down on the table, and Artery and Vein are blown back by the impact and join me in the viscous caramel. The weird stuff grows, and before I know it there is leathery crocodile skin across my face. I utter a muffled curse.

"Der...vish..." I gasp, "save... me..."

"Don't worry, lime wool! Here I come!" my uncle declares. I hear nothing but furious clicking, which must be coming from Dervish's mouse.

"Hahahahahaha!" he cries, and I struggle in desperation

"Dervish!" I grate, "forget the freaking lime wool and save me!"

Dervish gives a heartbroken gasp, and for a hopeful second I believe he is going to rescue me from this caramel and these weird little demons bound to me.

Unfortunately, he's Dervish, and we all know how mentally disturbed he became after Book 2.

"No! How... how can I take _both _the lime wool and the magenta wool? I must... I must sacrifice the lime wool!"

"Dervish!" my voice is now imploring, desperate and guttural.

Dervish glances up from his screen.

"Oh yeah. What's up, Grubbs?" he asks good-naturedly.

"Save me from these demons!" I yell.

"Sure."

Dervish sluggishly paces towards me. Each step is painful for me, and through sticky strand of caramel I see that he is only a foot away...

Artery and Vein mysteriously disappear, as does the caramel. I stagger forward, limbs aching from cramp, and crash into Dervish.

"Whoops! Sorry!"

Dervish shoves me back, eyes glittering with resentment.

"Yeah!" he snaps, "you'd better be!"

"Well, well, well," Lord Boss's weird voice drones in a bored tone. "It appears that there has been a rule change."

"There has?" Dervish asks incredulously.

"Uh... yeah, I think so..." Lord Boss says. "A rule change you decided to launch WITHOUT me!"

He bursts into caramel tears and popcorn – which I am beginning to suspect is the current demon master substitute for mucus – oozes from his gaping nostrils. Please don't ask me how that works since popcorn can't ooze.

"So," Dervish queries, clearly bewildered, "what _is _the rule change?"

"I don't know!" Lord Boss wails. "That's why I'm asking _you!"  
><em>They both turn to me, eyes searching me desperately for an answer.

"Uh... uh... the rule change is..." my mind races as I think of a suitable 'change'. "Dervish and I have swapped places! I will now play against Lord Boss in the Minecraft map Hell's Array, and Dervish will battle against Artery and Vein!"

Lord Boss and Dervish both snort.

"That's a dumb rule!" Dervish says.

"Yeah!" says Lord Boss. "You're hiding something. Give us the _real _rule change!"

_What?_

"Oh... um... uh..." I feel beads of sweat breaking out at my temple, and trickling down my face. "The game has ended! Uh... Dervish must now battle against Lord Boss at a different video game, Bill-E has been healed, and I can go back to the human world."

My uncle and the demon master nod approvingly.

"That's a better rule change," Dervish says.

"Yeah. Much more sensible and legitimate that the _last _one!" Lord Boss sneers.

Which is kinda weird, because it clearly isn't. Hell, didn't I just end the entire game?

The hairy, snarling wolf in the cage that mysteriously materialises nearby abruptly shrinks to Bill-E. He smiles pleasantly at us and proceeds to moo loudly.

Dervish looks at me sternly, and says, "Grubbs, I will now enter the Demonata for the ultimate food-fight showdown. If I lose, I come back. If I win, I come back. So, basically, I will return no matter what."

"Uh... so what's the point?"

"Dunno. But I'm just gonna go anyway. Farewell, my nephew! Make sure Bill-E doesn't steal all the strawberry ice-cream!"

We glance at Bill-E, who is still mooing but is also indulging himself in a large pot of strawberry ice-cream.

Dervish gasps.

"You failed me, Grubbs! You failed -"

He disappears and I give a sigh of relief.

Thank_ God._

**A/N: OK, OK, OK. I'm sorry for the crappy chapter, and the fact that it took so long for me to update. I mean, I'd said one week, but it turned out to be three months. Same thing, right? Yeah... no. Anyway, I'm seriously sorry for the extremely delayed update and the crappy quality of this chapter. I don't know, I guess I just want to get this story finished quickly.**

**There'll only be around one chapter left of Lord Boss. And then I'll start Popcorn Thief, which I MIGHT be able to upload to at the same time I upload the last chapter of Lord Boss. I'm guessing Popcorn Thief will be a lot longer than Lord Boss, but I can't say for sure.**

**ANYWAY, thanks for reading, and, once again, I'm sorry!**


	14. Chapter 13

**LORD BOSS**

Chapter 13

The Grand Finale

It's been a year since the whole incident with Lord Boss and Bill-E. To tell the truth, I regret ever agreeing to Lord Boss's dumb game. Oh wait – I never did agree. He _made_ me play.

Dervish is still a vegetable.

Occasionally he shows a _few _signs or intelligence, like once he managed to the pull the blinds down, but only one side, so his sudden action wasn't _too _intelligent. Whatever. He never was intelligent anyway. I mean, he can't lose what he never had, right?

Come to think of it, I like it better this way. Dervish all quiet and blank and ignoring me instead of disapproving of me, him and Meera no longer arguing about cupcakes... the only bad thing about this whole arrangement is Bill-E. Now that Dervish – or, as Bill-E calls him, Mr Crumbles – is gone, he hangs around the house even more than usual. I think I even saw his cow self munching on a few of the flower pots in the sitting room. I mean, who the _hell_ eats only the flower pot? I was going to screech at him to scram, but then a five-foot tall frog burst out of the dishwasher and chased me up to my bedroom. Don't even ask me _how_ the dishwasher got to be in the sitting room.

You know what? I think I'm going to use capitals instead of italics to emphasise my words. HA. There. I'm DIFFERENT now. Maybe I'll just emphasise ALL my words so I can right – woops, I mean WRITE – this entire last chapter in capitals. Ha. THEN I'll be different. I'll be so different that... that... OK, look, I don't really think Navyseal33 is bothered to come up with some quirky pun or any of the sort, so I won't type any quirky pun. Sorry to all disappointed viewers. JEEZ Navyseal33, why do have to disappoint your viewers?

_Oh yeah? Well, without me you wouldn't even have a story. I mean, you _would, _but then your story would be the scary, normal, TOTALLY serious original – Lord Loss. I mean, who wants a _scary _demon master? And by the way, it's _reader, _not _viewer.

Well, the original did sell millions, and it made a lot more sense. Like, werecows? How the HELL did you come up with that?

_I have _no_ freaking idea._

Typical.

Anyway, back to the story (jeez, I thought Navyseal33 wouldn't butt in anymore?).

I walk out of the mansion, whistling merrily, but freeze when I see Bill-E as a cow wallowing in strawberry ice-cream. Uh oh. Dervish won't be too happy when he returns.

"Bad Bill-E!" I snap, warding the mooing Bill-E cow off with a rake that mysteriously appeared in my hands. "Bad Bill-E!"

Bill-E gives a forlorn moo and backs away. Suddenly Meera leaps out of an invisible tree wearing a bright blue apron and clutching a silver tray of cupcakes in her hands. She glares at Bill-E and uses her left arm to shield her cupcakes.

"I know what your doing," she sneers at the brown cow, "and don't think I don't just because I said 'your' instead of 'you're'."

"Uh... what?" I ask. It begins raining doughnuts and then the mansion turns into a massive building of cinnamon sticks. A party of weirdoes dressed in frilly, vibrant costumes frolic down the street, tossing bagels everywhere. Meera turns to me.

"That's right," she says, "I've brought an entire army to protect my cupcakes."

And the army of weirdoes descend on us, and I stare hopelessly in horrror.

0

_Back in the Popcornata..._

Dervish and Lord Boss were still battling. Even though they had been battling this out for a year, to them it felt like only a week had passed. This was the meanest food-fight Dervish had ever experienced, and he was losing.

"_My chocolate eyes!" _he howled in anguish, clutching a bowl that had once been filled to the brim with chocolate eyeballs, _"They stole my chocolate eyes!"_

His own, real eyes followed the trail of the chocolate spheres scattered on the streamer-sheathed floor, and reached Artery and Vein who were gorging themselves with the food. Dervish gawped in horror.

"_My eyes!" _he gasped the fact that this was supposed to be a one-on-one battle between him and Lord Boss, the two freak familiars were here too.

His wide-eyed stare narrowed into a hateful, vehement glare, and he growled in displeasure.

"_You took them," _he hissed at Artery and Vein. The two demons abruptly ceased their massive pig-out and gazed sheepishly at Dervish. Artery's fiery pits for eyes flickered with fear, and Vein's beady black buttons gleamed with uncertainty.

And then they struck again.

Vein barreled into Dervish, the momentum knocking him back off his feet. Artery then scampered onto Dervish's stockpile of even more chocolate eyes and devoured the entire lot in only three seconds.

"_NO!" _Dervish screamed. Vein quickly joined Artery, and they sneered at the heartbroken, middle-aged man.

"The master..." he whispered, and a triumphant Lord Boss munching on popcorn kernels drifted in. An annoyed Kernel jumped out of the popcorn bowl and glared at everybody.

"I told you, I'm NOT a popcorn kernel!" he snapped and stormed out of the room. Dervish snapped out of his terrified awe and stared after the disgruntled boy.

"Uh... OK..." he said. "That was... bizarre."

He averted his gaze back to Lord Boss, and once again appeared overwhelmed with terror.

"Don't... please... not again. My chocolate eyes. Leave them alone. Please..."

"No," said Lord Boss indifferently and shoved his hand down the mass of popcorn -

_OK, you know what, I really don't want an indignant Kernel to appear out of nowhere again insisting he's not a popcorn kernel, so I won't finish the sentence and you, the reader, can just pretend that I did._

Of course, Navyseal33 hadn't realised that she could have just, you know, omitted Lord Boss eating popcorn kernels entirely.

_Hey! Watch out, third-person narrator. We do NOT want Kernel to interrupt again, do we?_

Now it's my turn to go, "Uh... OK..."

_You're a THIRD-PERSON narrator, not a freaking FIRST-PERSON narrator! God! Stop trying to confuse the reader!_

Anyway - ignoring Navyseal33's sudden interruption – Dervish scowled, forgetting that he was supposed to be a helpless victim of Lord Boss's horrible schemes of torment and said, in a childish voice, "Fine, _be _that way then."

And he stomped his foot in indignation and waggled his tongue at Lord Boss. Lord Boss took offense to this babyish act and retaliated by flicking some popcorn kernels -

"I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT A POPCORN KERNEL! STOP DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME!"

Kernel collapsed in a teary, anguished heap on the candy wrapper-strewn floor. Of course, nobody cares about him, so let's just ignore -

"I care about me!" Kernel pouted.

Sorry, there's a misunderstanding here – when the third-person narrator writes that nobody cares about you, she, you know, generally means that nobody cares about you, Kernel. (And if you're wondering why I'm suddenly referring to myself as the "third-person narrator", that's because my title means I have to write in third-person all the time. Also Navyseal33 is a picky-picky.)

_That was completely ineffectual, you know? You're contradicting yourself... dumb third-person narrator._

Yeah? Well, you do realise we're the _same freaking person?_

_You know what? I'm just going to pretend you never wrote that._

Dervish and Lord Boss exchange a few unintelligible noises (you know, the weird "nyah" sounds that five year olds make at each other when they're mad?) before Vein interjects, "You know, this is just plain weird. Lord Boss obviously won, so why don't Dervish just go?"

Dervish turns on her, before realising that Vein and Artery had swapped identities again, meaning he'd actually turned on him.

Hey, the third-person narrator just suddenly switched from past tense to present tense.

_Oh, shut up and continue the story. God, if you hadn't mentioned that the reader probably wouldn't have noticed._

"Oh, I get it now," Dervish hissed (now the third-person narrator is back to past-tense). "You guys don't want me here, do you? You're all meany-meany-meany pants, aren't you? Well, I don't need you either. I hate you and I _never _wanna talk you _ever _again!"

And in a blubbery fit of sobs, Dervish disappeared in a puff of neon green smoke.

0

_Back in the normal world (which isn't very normal anyway. Just slightly less weird)..._

Dervish materialises right in between me and a weird old lady whose hair has been dyed magenta. Good, so the creamy meringue pie she was hurling at me will hit him instead. The pie squelches in Dervish's bewildered face, and slowly oozeds off like a mangled-but-still-somehow-alive bug across a rough piece of bark.

"Meh. It tastes good," he comments in a mutter, licking away the rich beige cream. Meera, who had been cackling hysterically, ceases her laughter and gawks at the newly arrived Dervish.

"You... like it?" she asks cautiously.

"Yeah," Dervish says, "why not?"

Meera's face breaks into an ecstatic beam.

"Nobody's ever said that about my food before! You know, what, I'm so happy that you said that that I'll stop terrorising you! Come on, Army of Weirdoes, let's head back to Bubblegum Island and bake some more muffins!"

They eccentric horde disappeared in a blinding white light and I say, "They're actually _called _the Army of Weirdoes?"

Dervish shrugs, and gestures for me to enter the mansion, which has magically converted back to its normal appearance. We leave a writhing Bill-E in the field.

"Want to play on a LAN World in Minecraft?" he asks.

"Yeah, sure, why not," I assent.

AND THEN WE PLAYED MINECRAFT AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

THE END

OK, I LIED, NOT REALLY. I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT BILL-E PLUNGED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND BROKE A FEW OF DERVISH'S BONES. SO THAT KIND OF CANCELS OUT "THE END" AND THE FACT IT WAS A HAPPY ENDING.

_The end of Book One of the Popcornata._

**Blurb for Book Two, Popcorn Thief:**

When Kernel Fleck's popcorn bowl – still containing the popcorn – is stolen demons, he is left with no choice but to follow them into their world. It is a place of magic, chaos and incredible chocolate. Kernel has three aims:

- Find his popcorn

- Take his popcorn

- Eat his popcorn

But a popcorn-less demon awaits him, and it turns out he's not so popcorn-less after all...

Tagline: _He always gets what he wants..._

**A/N: OK, guys, I'm SO GENUINELY SORRY that I haven't updated in, I don't know, six months? I've had so much homework, assessments, etc., and I couldn't really be bothered to update. But I finally got round to doing it and here it is. Hope you liked it! I've begun Popcorn Thief, but it might not be coming up soon. Like, next month, probably. Or I can bring myself to writing it now... oh, what the heck, why not?**

**Oh yeah, and you might've noticed I included a tagline for Popcorn Thief and not Lord Boss. How about... _"It's in the popcorn..."? _No? Whatever, you can come up with one yourself.**

**On a much more positive note, I've come up with the plots and titles for the rest of the books in the Popcornata. And trust me, it's crazy... nothing like the real Demonata. And Popcorn Thief is about ten times as stupid as Lord Boss. At least, in my opinion.**


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